MOTM

Ha hah ha!  Very funny.  Typical keyboardist though: can't spell 
Jimi...

--- In motm@yahoogroups.com, Neil Bradley <nb@s...> wrote:
> > It's a chick-magnet.  SOmething keyboard geeks simply do not
> > understand...
> >
> > :)
> 
> Hehehe.... Well, I've experienced some of those "chicks" first 
hand and I
> wouldn't want any of them, lest I pick up a venereal disease. That 
brings
> up an interesting post someone made to Analog Heaven a few years 
back.
> Stolen without permission. Original author unknown by me, but it 
sums up
> guitars and guitarists pretty well.  ;)
> 
> ---------
> 
> Look! Far be it for me to diss a lowly guitarist or dance on 
rock 'n' roll's
> grave. It wouldn't be fitting and as they say. If you can't say 
something
> nice, don't say anything at all. But fuck it. Lets.
> 
> Look! I have nothing against guitars. They make great firewood. 
I've even
> got use to the sound of 10,000 cats being scraped along a gravel 
road at 100
> miles per hour. It's taken 30 years but I'm use to it now. I'm 
even use to
> conversations about how big Jimmy Hendrix's phallus was.
> 
> Present company excluded of course But! What is it with 
guitarists? I mean,
> are their dicks still not big enough? Having realized the penis 
enlargement
> treatment didn't work, they take to the guitar instead. When you 
learn to
> play a guitar do they also teach you to have deep seated 
psychological
> problems as well. What's going on here? What's the secret. What 
are they not
> telling us. It's like something out of the X-Files. Guitarists 
remind me of
> the musical equivalent of the gun lobby. You know why they call 
them
> "Guitars". Because at one time, only a real Git would play one. 
Only they
> didn't know how to spell 'Git'. And the only reason anyone ever 
bothered to
> work out how to play one in the first place is because they 
couldn't afford
> a real instrument.
> 
> In interviews, guitarists say things like. "Well baab. I took up 
the guitar
> to get the chicks. It's that simple. I was feelin' a bit sexually 
inadequate
> one day so I thought I'd better hide my small weeny behind a large 
guitar."
> (Mind you, if that's the case it makes me wonder about those guys 
who spin
> turntables. :-)) And what's with those guys with twin necked 
guitars. On
> second thoughts I don't wanna know.
> 
> I mean it's easy to understand where your average synth head is 
coming from.
> "Knobs!" Lots of Knobs. The more knobs the better. That's it. All 
in the
> wrist action.
> 
> So yur at rehearsals right. The guitarist is the one that demands 
absolute
> silence whilst he spends half an hour tuning the stupid piece of 
wood and
> then cranks it out full blast going "plank plunk plonk" as loud as 
he can
> get it whilst everyone else is trying to tune up. "It's alright 
fellas, my
> guitar's in tune. Nothing else matters." Or he gets a little board 
whilst
> being told what the next chord sequence is and starts "Wocka 
Wocka" on the
> Wah Wah. "What was that harry? I think it was an E. No it was G. 
Yea G. -G-
> for... Get that motherfukker to shut the fuck up." Or the band's 
in the
> middle of negotiating a tricky piece of 7/8 timing and suddenly the
> guitarist starts playing Stairway to heaven because he's reached 
the limit
> of his attention span. Kind of reverts back to his reptilian brain.
> 
> Finally the whole band does actually tell the prat to shut the 
fukk up and
> he spends the rest of the night sulking in the corner. Plotting 
revenge on
> the rest of the band during the next gig. "Lets see. I could 
accidently
> forget how to play that song we've been playing for the last 3 
years". Then,
> after the gig,  has the audacity to pull you aside and give you a 
lecture on
> professionalism.
> 
> And then there's the ex girlfriends. "Why can't we start playing? 
We're
> already an hour late?" "That's because the guitarist's ex 
girlfriend has
> threatened to commit suicide if he dumps her." It's not that he's
> irresistible to women or anything it's just that she's pregnant 
and want's a
> father for the kid. Along with two other women he was seeing about 
the same
> time. Which is the reason he keeps turning up for gigs wearing a 
Groucho
> Marx, glasses, nose and moustache disguise. Just in case they 
happen to be
> in the audience. Or worse still. In case their red necked farther 
with the
> shot gun's in the audience. Guitarists don't use condoms because 
it's all
> too technical for them. And you thought drummers were dumb! "But I 
thought
> you were spose to stretch it over a carrot? That's what they 
taught us in
> sex education class. What good's that spoze to do anyway?" The 
Women usually
> wake up to it though, when the gutiarist says something like. "You 
want me
> to put it where?" Three weeks later the guitarist is going. "Look 
I don't
> care if she gets pregnant, I gotta take it off so I can have a 
piss."
> 
> Or what about the guitarist who demands the band do old George 
Thoroughgood
> covers. Three keyboard players in the band and he want's to play 
thrash.
> B-B-B-Bad to the bone? I don't think so. Smells like teen spirit. 
Sounds
> like a dead fish. And having been supported and paid for by 
various members
> of the band over the years, now threatens to punch 'em out if he 
don't get
> his way.
> 
> Guitarist's mathematics... 1 guitar + 3 keyboard players + 1 
drummer. Oh
> must be a guitar band then. Duerr. One guitarist and a 70 piece 
orchestra.
> Oh must be a guitar band then. 14 apples + 3 bananas and a pear. 
Oh must be
> a fukking guitar band then.
> 
> And the biggest event in a guitarists's life. When he buys new 
strings. Or
> more usually, when he suckers another member of the band to buy 
them for
> him. "I can't practice unless I get new strings man!" After that, 
Anything
> that goes wrong. "Oh that's coz I put new strings on my guitar". 
The
> guitar's out of tune. "It's these new strings man." He comes in at 
the wrong
> time. "Must be these new strings man." The audience starts pelting 
bottles
> and glasses at the stage when he starts playing his usual crappy 
lead break.
> "Sorry man it's just these new strings." He's late to a 
gig. "Sorry man I
> got held up because of these new strings". And they expect you to 
feel sorry
> for them because they have to tune these mechanical nightmares.
> 
> And then there's the mutual admiration society after the gig. The
> guitarist's mate comes up to him and they stand there trying to 
look cool.
> You're trying to pack up and get out o' there as fast as possible 
and the
> guitarist is standing round tryin to get milage out his new hair 
style. His
> mate get's mildly excited and says something like. "Whatta ya 
think of that
> new Lenny Kravitz song?" "O'yea I can do that. I could do that 
when I was
> 15." So his mate changes his pitch and follows up with "Yea so 
could I".
> It's like something out of Absolutely Fabulous. And then the 
conversation
> turns to technical matters. "Oh you've got a new floydrose. I had 
one of
> them but I didn't like it. That's why I don't have one. Otherwise 
wise I
> would ya know." And one trys to convince the other that the paint 
job on
> their solid body Gibson SG really does improve the sound. "It's 
all in the
> 27 layers of lacquer." But you know the conversation's going down 
hill when
> they start discussing which is the best coke bottle to use.
> 
> Then there's the lead guitarist with the three marshal stacks. 
He's only
> been playing for 3 months but they give him the job of lead 
guitar. Partly
> because of his Marshals but mostly because he couldn't keep time 
enough to
> play rhythm. "I don't believe in FX man. They colour the sound. 
I've just
> got three marshal stacks running through power soaks. I get real 
distortion.
> not like you guys who get an artificial sound."  Yea so how come 
the rhythm
> guitarist who's just coming out of a mesa boogie is twice as loud 
as you?
> "Oh it's because of these new strings man. They're not very loud."
> 
> Ah but you know I jest thoughout this diatribe. Well mostly I jest 
anyway.
> Well hardly at all really when you think about it. It's all true. 
Although
> the above could not be attributed to any single guitarist, I've 
had to put
> up with this shit all my life and only from fuckking guitarists. 
And after
> 30 years of waiting for this time. A time when there's lots of 
decent music
> around, none of which is guitar based. When there's no long a 
stigma
> attached to playing or liking electronic music. A time when 
guitars are no
> longer the dominant force in the music industry. A time when other 
musical
> instruments are just as cool if not cooler than the guitar. A time 
when
> fucking rock 'n' roll wank guitar music isn't been blasted at me 
like some
> medieval torture. A time when I can actually turn on the radio and 
chances
> are I might hear something I like. Or at least not hear thrash and 
grind for
> a change. And above all, A time when I'm not being persecuted for 
playing an
> electronic musical instrument and not a guitar. And after enduring 
all that
> from guitarists, you want me to go easy on them. Maybe even have 
some
> sympathy for 'em and their fall from grace. I don't jolly well, 
flippin'
> well, bloody well fucking well think so!
> 
> Rock 'n' roll is dead. And thank fuck for that.
> 
> Truth be known I only ducked in here to get away from a bunch of 
socially
> inept guitarists and now you're telling me they're invading AH as 
well. x0x
> heads I can handle but Guitarists... Please. Gimme a break.
> 
> ----------------
> 
> -->Neil
> 
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
------------
> Neil Bradley             "Your mistletoe is no match for my T.O.W. 
missile!"
> Synthcom Systems, Inc.   - Santabot - Futurama
> ICQ #29402898