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On Tue, Dec 8, 2009 at 9:46 PM, Tron400 <tron400@yahoo.com> wrote:I was looking around in my documents folder and found this clever little ditty he had written in 2003:
From: Mike Rivers <mrivers@v...>
Date: Thu Aug 28, 2003 2:41 pm
Subject: Increase the size of your Mellotron!
Amazing Breakthrough for Mellotron owners!
Now you can actually increase the size of your Mellotron, and it costs only seconds a month!
Whether you have a model MkI, MkII, FX console, 300, 400SM 4-track, MarkV, Novatron 400SM, Novatron Mark V, or T550, you can make it BIGGER!
Why suffer the embarassment of unsightly muffs or ill-advised paint schemes? Increase Self Confidence & Self Esteem!
Plus, there's no zizzing and dripping like the Austrian Self-Sharpening Razorbacks!
How much would you pay? WAIT! That's not enough! Because if you act now, we'll throw in not one, but TWO Authentic Pinch Roller Pinchers!
Imagine a collector's item so exquisitely detailed that each is actually invisible to the naked eye.
Think of an heirloom so limited in availability that when you order it, the mint specially constructed to craft it will be demolished.
Ponder an item so precious that its value has actually tripled since you began reading this.
Kiln-Fired in Edible 24-Calorie Silver
Never before in human history has the Polk McKinley Harding Coolidge Mint (not a U.S. Government body) commissioned such a rarity.
Consider: miniature pewterine reproductions, authenticated by the World Court at The Hague and sent to you in moisture-resistant Styrofoam chests, of the front-door letter slots of Hollywood's 36 most beloved character actors and actresses.
A special blue-ribbon Advisory Panel will insure that the Foundation Council's certificated and inscribed insignia is approved by Her Majesty's Master of Heralds before the application deadline.
Meanwhile, they are yours to inspect in the privacy of your home, office, shop, or den for twenty years by express permission, already withdrawn, of the Polk McKinley Harding Coolidge Mint - the only mint authorized to stamp your application with its own seal.
The equivalent of three centuries of painstaking historical research, supervised by the U.S. Bureau of Mines, has preceded this issue of The Ornamental Handles of the Walking Canes of the Hohenzollern Princelings.
Our miniature craftsmen have designed, cast, struck, etched, forged, and finished these authentic reproductions-not available in any store, even before they were commissioned - literally without regard for quality.
Certified by the American Kennel Club
But now, through a special arrangement with the Postmaster General of the Republic of San Marino, this 72-piece commemorative plinth, honoring The Footprints of the Great Jewel Thieves of the French Riviera - each encased in its own watered-silk caddy that revolves 360 degrees on genuine Swedish steel ball bearings - has been canceled.
A unique way, you will agree, of introducing you and your loved ones to The Great Cookie Jars of the Restoration, just as Congreve the boy must have pilfered from.
They are so authentic that you can actually smell them with your nose.
And don't forget: every set of hand-fired porcelain reproductions of The Padlocks of the Free World's Great Customs Houses comes sealed in an airtight cask, fashioned after the shoe locker of a Mogul emperor so famous that we are prohibited from disclosing his name.
12 Men Died to Make the Ingots Perfect
But why, as a prudent investor, should you spend thousands of dollars, every month for a lifetime, to acquire this 88-piece set of Official Diplomatic License Plates of the World's Great Governments-in-Exile?
One Minnesota collector comments, "I never expected to buy an item so desirable that it has already kept its haunting fascination forever."
But even this merely hints at the extraordinary investment potential of the Connoisseur's Choice selection of Great Elevator Inspection Certificates of the World's Tallest Buildings.
Molded in unobtainable molybdenum, each is precision-ejected from a flying air-craft to check a zinc content that must measure .000000003 per cent or the entire batch will be melted down, discarded, and forgotten.
But "keepsake" is an inadequate term. Your Jubilee Edition of the 566 Tunic Buttons of the World's Legendary Hotel Porters will take you from New York City to San Francisco to Hong Kong to Bombay... and then actually pay your way back home.
There is one more aspect for you to consider before refusing this offer.
If you wish, you can have The Lavaliers Mikes of TVs Greatest Talk Show Celebrity Guests, custom-mounted on driftwood plaques that serve as 175 dainty TV snack tables - free.
There is, of course, a surcharge and a handling fee, as well as the 25 percent duplication cost. But so amazing is this offer that you need only pay this levy once - and never again be bothered by it in your mortal life.
If for whatever reason you elect not to purchase the complimentary Tokens of the World's Great Subway Systems, you still profit:
The solid-gold Venetian Gondolier's Boat Pole Toothpick and velvet-lined presentation case are yours to treasure for as long as this incredible offer lasts.
Our Distinctive Axe Marks of the Immortal Brazilian Rubber Planters are in such short supply that an advance application in your name is already reserved for you. To protect your investment, none will be made.
Registered with the Department of Motor Vehicles
A dazzling proposition, you will agree. If you do not, your- 560- piece set of Belgium's Most Cherished Waffle Patterns, together with your check or money order, will be buried at sea on or before midnight, April 15, 1982 - the 70th anniversary, college- trained historians tell us, of the sinking of R.M.S. Titanic, one of the 66 Great Marine Disasters commemorated in this never-yet- offered series, each individually bronzed, annealed, Martinized, and hickory-cured by skilled artisans working under the supervision of the Tulane University Board of Regents.
Please note that each comes wrapped in authentic North Atlantic seaweed, its salt content confirmed by affidavit.
Best of all, you need not order. Simply steal a new Rolls-Royce, fence it, and turn the bills into small denominations of used money (U.S. currency only, please). No salesman will call. The Polk McKinley Harding Coolidge Mint is not a U.S. Government body. This is not an offering.
THE POLK McKINLEY HARDING COOLIDGE MINT
P.S. If you have already begun your Napkin Rings of the State Supreme Court Dining Rooms collection, please disregard.
(Apologies to Bruce McCall and The Firesign Theater)
Replies
Name/Email
Yahoo! ID
Date
2984
Re: Increase the size of your Mellotron!
Nic Lewis
Thu 8/28/2003
2985
Re: Increase the size of your Mellotron!
Andy Thompson
andyuthompson
Thu 8/28/2003
2986
Re: Increase the size of your Mellotron!
Rick Blechta
rblechta
Thu 8/28/2003
2988
Re: Increase the size of your Mellotron!
lsf5275@a...
hogvbr8r
Thu 8/28/2003