[sdiy] OT- Free Range Electrons

[Toby Paddock]

I'm sorry, this is totally off-topic and kind of long, 
but I can't resist. It's a fake product I was 
'making' for my webthing for attempted humor.
It never got finished and some parts just sound goofy.
 - -- -  Toby Paddock

------------------------
Are the electrons in your audio system worn out? 
Are they tired? Stale? Brittle? Bored? You need 
FRESH ELECTRONS. You need the Pronteon 
Free Range Electron Collection System (tm). 
Revitalize the audio path with clean new
energetic electrons. You'll be convinced you 
can hear the difference.

FAQ

What are Free Range Electrons (tm)?
Free Range Electrons (tm) are gathered from an 
open environment where they are free to roam as 
nature intended. In most audio systems the electrons 
are trapped in the circuitry and go round and round 
and round until they lose dynamism. Free Range Electrons 
have been spending their time getting their subatomic selves 
in order. They're perky. They're happy. Just as free range
chickens taste better and better milk comes from contented 
cows, Free Range Electrons sound better. We're sure of it.

How does the system work?
Most audio systems use transformers that isolate the circuits 
from supply power. The electrons have no path to the outside 
world. (Not even through the power cord. But that's fine. You 
don't want those electrons. You don't know where they've been.) 
The Pronteon Free Range Electron Collection System
uses a very specially constructed electrode with a very specific high
voltage to collect Free Range Electrons (attached to negative ions) 
from the air. This injects fresh electrons via a custom multi megohm 
resistive device to the audio circuit. A second matched resistive 
device drains off excess electrons to a custom earth grounding rod.

That electrode looks like a plant. What is it?
Each highly esoteric electrode is designed to fit the individual 
customer's needs. In testing hundreds of electrode styles, we 
have found that the seed pods of some plants develop a very 
effective and complex electric field. This allows the collector to 
operate at a lower voltage, generating a "soft plasma"(tm) which 
will not bruise the electrons. Seems that plants know a
thing or two about using electric fields. Most organic electrodes 
employ a vacuum deposited gold coating. It is possible to use 
live plants as collectors, but will require periodic system calibration. 
Our electrode shop will work with you to develop your personal 
electrode statement.

My audio system is all tube. Would I benefit?
Absolutely. It's tough duty inside a tube. Getting boiled off in a 
vacuum, pushed, pulled, slammed into a plate, you think that's 
easy on an electron? If the speaker outputs are transformer coupled, 
naturally you will want additional matched collection systems for the 
speaker circuits.

Do non-audio systems need Free Range Electrons?
Ummm.. well.... ahhh... YES, yes they do. We can design a 
collector system for anything you feel needs the benefit of 
Free Range Electrons (tm).

Do you have a price list? 
No. System prices are determined by a very complex equation 
that includes variables such as:
- Your apparent budget.
- How cool we think you are.
- How esoteric your system is.
- Your listening environment.
We will provide a field team to carefully and fully analyze your 
listening environment. This can take quite some time. 
Your providing the team with suitable refreshments is an important 
step to a superb end result. 
Rest assured it will be expensive. 
Otherwise, where would the fun be?